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Re: Joke of the day:)


found on http://www.downline4all.com/forum/showthread.php?p=25914#post25914

One Liners For Men

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.







__________________

Posted by Gelderland his sig line is below.
 The only way to make a dream come true,
is to wake up and live it



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bearaboo Profile
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Re: Joke of the day:)


Not really a joke but VERY funny. These are old questions/answers from Hollywood Square:

These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.
***********************************************************
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
***********************************************************
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes…
***********************************************************
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
***********************************************************
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
***********************************************************
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
***********************************************************
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
***********************************************************
Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.
***********************************************************
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
***********************************************************
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily
***********************************************************
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
***********************************************************
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
***********************************************************
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
***********************************************************
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
***********************************************************
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
***********************************************************
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
***********************************************************
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
***********************************************************
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
***********************************************************
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
***********************************************************
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
***********************************************************
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
***********************************************************
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time? Your wife, or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
***********************************************************
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
***********************************************************
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
6/13/2005, 4:00 pm Link to this post Send Email to bearaboo   Send PM to bearaboo
 
LottomagicZ4941 Profile
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Re: Joke of the day:)


Thanks Bearabooemoticon

Just found one worth re-e-posting.

"You know when you are really too fat? When you are on the beach and Greenpeace carries you back to the sea."
found on
http://com4.runboard.com/bmotoplexracing.fgeneral.t16


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6/18/2005, 12:20 pm Link to this post Send Email to LottomagicZ4941   Send PM to LottomagicZ4941
 
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Re: Joke of the day:)


found on
http://www.talkandmore.net/showthread.php?p=42605#post42605

"Two blondes walk into a bar. . .






. . . you would've thought they would see it."

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Joshin Josh Profile
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Re: Joke of the day:)


Lmao..

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6/27/2005, 11:10 pm Link to this post Send PM to Joshin Josh Blog
 
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Re: Joke of the day:)


Augh so disapointed you did not post a joke

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6/29/2005, 4:57 am Link to this post Send Email to LottomagicZ4941   Send PM to LottomagicZ4941
 
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Re: Joke of the day:)


Wife Comes Home Early

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman.

She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."

He says, "Please,Please don't go....... you at least have to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your weakass story. And this had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home.

She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, and can no longer fit into, the $150 Nike running shoes I bought you to exercise and wore only twice, and you now scuff and growl at. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me....then I showed her to the door.

She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

found on http://www.talkandmore.net/showthread.php?t=24312#post43335

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6/29/2005, 8:19 pm Link to this post Send Email to LottomagicZ4941   Send PM to LottomagicZ4941
 
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Re: Joke of the day:)


A cute Bible joke
found on
http://www.christiansonline.cc/forum/showthread.php?t=1157
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There were three men out selling Bibles. They were trying to sell Bibles on the street corners, going door to door, and where ever they could sell the Bibles. At the end of the day they got together and the first guy said, "I had my best day ever, I sold 5 Bibles today." The second guy said "Oh yeah, I had my best day ever I sold 10 Bibles today." Then they turned to the third guy and asked "How did you do today?" The third guy replied (stuttering), I hhhhad my bbbbbest ddday ever, I sssssold a hhhhhundred bbbbbbibles tttttoday." The first two guys asked, "How did you do that?'' The third guy replied, "I jjjjust aaasked tttthem if ttthey wwwwwwanted to bbbbbbuy a bbbbbbible ffffrom me, or shshshshould I rrrread it to tttthem?"

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7/8/2005, 7:21 am Link to this post Send Email to LottomagicZ4941   Send PM to LottomagicZ4941
 
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Re: Joke of the day:)


more Christian jokes!
found on http://com1.runboard.com/bthechattingzone.fjokes.t25

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in
here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord,"
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put
a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a
ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is,
it's still out there in your pockets."
========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an
artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the
teacher asked "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It
seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business."
========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.
========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean,
you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson
was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that
the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at
the last minute. The substitute wanted to
know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.
"But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the
announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
________

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!


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7/14/2005, 2:48 pm Link to this post Send Email to LottomagicZ4941   Send PM to LottomagicZ4941
 
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Re: Joke of the day:)


What do you call a
clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison?

A small medium at large.........emoticon

found on
http://www.gossipswap.com/showthread.php?p=7770#post7770

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