Joke of the day:) https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/t10 Runboard| Joke of the day:) en-us Fri, 29 Mar 2024 00:46:06 +0000 Fri, 29 Mar 2024 00:46:06 +0000 https://www.runboard.com/ rssfeeds_managingeditor@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds managing editor) rssfeeds_webmaster@runboard.com (Runboard.com RSS feeds webmaster) akBBS 60 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p472,from=rss#post472https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p472,from=rss#post472quote:clostel wrote: Enjoy this one lotto man!!!!! Joke from http://com1.runboard.com/b13thcentury   Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!". Read on & you will be able to handle the situation intelligently. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt & O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt, & the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, & the twins Deap Schitt & Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt Married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. After 15 years of marriage, Jack Schitt & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, & out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, & became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt & Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, & Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. So, NOW if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!   LOL I already re-e-posted it!!! On NettrafficChat the official traffic bunnie forum Did you hear about the schit that won the lotto? He was stinking rich nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Sat, 28 Jul 2007 01:08:15 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p468,from=rss#post468https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p468,from=rss#post468Enjoy this one lotto man!!!!! Joke from http://com1.runboard.com/b13thcentury   Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!". Read on & you will be able to handle the situation intelligently. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt & O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt Married Noe Schitt, & the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, & the twins Deap Schitt & Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt Married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. After 15 years of marriage, Jack Schitt & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, & out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, & became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt & Giva Schitt, inseparable throughout childhood, subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, & Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. So, NOW if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!  nondisclosed_email@example.com (clostel)Thu, 26 Jul 2007 22:41:33 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p451,from=rss#post451https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p451,from=rss#post451Joke of the day award Found on http://www.ultimatemetal.com/forum/showthread.php?t=259109 "A visitor to a mental institution asked the Director how he decided which patients should be kept in... The Director said "We fill the bath with water, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub" The visitor said "Oh, I see...a normal person would choose the bucket, because it's biggest" The Director said "No, a normal person would pull the [edited]ing plug out...would you like a bed near the window?" __________________ Sam xxx " And now today's advert of the day Lost my cut and paist advert because I thought this was cool Visitors Online United States: 4 Canada: 1 Denmark: 1 United Kingdom: 1 7 visitors in 4 countries NeoCounter http://www.heytruebluehits.com/?ref=101 Total visitors  United States: 151  Canada: 33  China: 31  United Kingdom: 26  Netherlands: 15  Germany: 15  India: 9  Bulgaria: 9  France: 9  Malaysia: 8  Singapore: 8  Australia: 7  Hungary: 6  Taiwan: 6  Japan: 5  Sweden: 5  Argentina: 4  Romania: 4  Thailand: 4  Italy: 3  Lithuania: 3  Belgium: 3  Egypt: 3  Spain: 3  Finland: 3  Hong Kong: 2  Mexico: 2  Norway: 2  Poland: 2  Russian Federation: 2  Denmark: 2  Ireland: 1  Kazakstan: 1  Nigeria: 1  New Zealand: 1  Philippines: 1  Pakistan: 1  Barbados: 1  Belarus: 1  Slovenia: 1  Turkey: 1  Colombia: 1  Ukraine: 1  Vietnam: 1  Satellite Provider: 1 399 visitors in 45 countries NeoCounter I was just about to send out my safe list advert and when I saw this I cut and paisted it with out thinking!!! http://www.heytruebluehits.com/?ref=101 Orginal E-mail for the safe list inquired what your 3 favorite surfs were. http://myfreeadvertisingforum.com/viewtopic.php?t=553 Lotto http://www.freelottomagic.com/?sponsor=Z1212 MagicZ4941A PS I'm in a referal contest please join this TE for free http://www.ultracoolsurfin.com/?ref=59 PPS The ultimate comp plan John 3:16 nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Fri, 13 Oct 2006 20:56:31 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p103,from=rss#post103https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p103,from=rss#post103-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Texas recently with two ice chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand these here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" said the game warden. "Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here ice chest and I take them home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works." "Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!" The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the redneck. The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?" The redneck said, "Call who back?" "The FISH!" replied the warden. "What fish?" answered the redneck. We in Texas may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as dumb as most government employees... found on http://internet-ez.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=5053#5053 Lotto http://www.flalottomagic.net/?sponsor=Z1212 MagicZ4941Anondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Tue, 03 Jan 2006 18:48:06 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p102,from=rss#post102https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p102,from=rss#post102This is a long one and from the same URL as the previous joke. Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"? The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother". The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had." At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years. And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen. The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered.......... "Bet you're sorry you neutered me." nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Thu, 11 Aug 2005 19:00:43 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p101,from=rss#post101https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p101,from=rss#post101What do you call a clairvoyant midget who just broke out of prison? A small medium at large......... found on http://www.gossipswap.com/showthread.php?p=7770#post7770nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Thu, 11 Aug 2005 18:54:30 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p100,from=rss#post100https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p100,from=rss#post100more Christian jokes! found on http://com1.runboard.com/bthechattingzone.fjokes.t25 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. ======== "Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning." ======== A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." ======== There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." ======== While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." ======== A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " ======== A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." ======== People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention. ======== A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" ======== Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." ======== The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! ________ Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk! nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Thu, 14 Jul 2005 14:48:19 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p99,from=rss#post99https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p99,from=rss#post99A cute Bible joke found on http://www.christiansonline.cc/forum/showthread.php?t=1157 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three men out selling Bibles. They were trying to sell Bibles on the street corners, going door to door, and where ever they could sell the Bibles. At the end of the day they got together and the first guy said, "I had my best day ever, I sold 5 Bibles today." The second guy said "Oh yeah, I had my best day ever I sold 10 Bibles today." Then they turned to the third guy and asked "How did you do today?" The third guy replied (stuttering), I hhhhad my bbbbbest ddday ever, I sssssold a hhhhhundred bbbbbbibles tttttoday." The first two guys asked, "How did you do that?'' The third guy replied, "I jjjjust aaasked tttthem if ttthey wwwwwwanted to bbbbbbuy a bbbbbbible ffffrom me, or shshshshould I rrrread it to tttthem?" Lotto http://www.flalottomagic.net/?sponsor=Z4941 MagicZ4941 nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Fri, 08 Jul 2005 07:21:21 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p98,from=rss#post98https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p98,from=rss#post98Wife Comes Home Early -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wife comes home early from work one day only to find her husband in bed with a strange woman. She says, "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back." He says, "Please,Please don't go....... you at least have to hear my explanation?" She shrugs and says, "Fine, let's hear your weakass story. And this had better be good!" He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you two years ago that you wore once, and can no longer fit into, the $150 Nike running shoes I bought you to exercise and wore only twice, and you now scuff and growl at. I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, that you never served me....then I showed her to the door. She was so grateful, for all these things, and she thanked me profusely. But then, as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me........ "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?" found on http://www.talkandmore.net/showthread.php?t=24312#post43335 Lotto http://tinyurl.com/ac72l MagicZ4941Anondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Wed, 29 Jun 2005 20:19:39 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p97,from=rss#post97https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p97,from=rss#post97Augh so disapointed you did not post a jokenondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Wed, 29 Jun 2005 04:57:21 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p96,from=rss#post96https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p96,from=rss#post96Lmao..nondisclosed_email@example.com (Joshin Josh)Mon, 27 Jun 2005 23:10:13 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p95,from=rss#post95https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p95,from=rss#post95found on http://www.talkandmore.net/showthread.php?p=42605#post42605 "Two blondes walk into a bar. . . . . . you would've thought they would see it." Lotto http://www.flalottomagic.net/?sponsor=Z4941 MagicZ4941A nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Fri, 24 Jun 2005 19:51:11 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p94,from=rss#post94https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p94,from=rss#post94Thanks Bearaboo Just found one worth re-e-posting. "You know when you are really too fat? When you are on the beach and Greenpeace carries you back to the sea." found on http://com4.runboard.com/bmotoplexracing.fgeneral.t16 nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Sat, 18 Jun 2005 12:20:24 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p93,from=rss#post93https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p93,from=rss#post93Not really a joke but VERY funny. These are old questions/answers from Hollywood Square: These are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and not scripted like they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions. *********************************************************** Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. *********************************************************** Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes… *********************************************************** Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. *********************************************************** Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning. *********************************************************** Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. *********************************************************** Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. *********************************************************** Q: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"? A: George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment. *********************************************************** Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking? A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget! *********************************************************** Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily *********************************************************** Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year? A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries! *********************************************************** Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. *********************************************************** Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other? A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures. *********************************************************** Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A: Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. *********************************************************** Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out. *********************************************************** Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will goose do? A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark. *********************************************************** Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. *********************************************************** Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army! *********************************************************** Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it? A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected! *********************************************************** Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee. *********************************************************** Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. *********************************************************** Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time? Your wife, or your elephant? A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? *********************************************************** Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A: Charley Weaver: His feet. *********************************************************** Q: Do female frogs croak? A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. nondisclosed_email@example.com (bearaboo)Mon, 13 Jun 2005 16:00:10 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p92,from=rss#post92https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p92,from=rss#post92found on http://www.downline4all.com/forum/showthread.php?p=25914#post25914 One Liners For Men -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage. You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. __________________ Posted by Gelderland his sig line is below.  The only way to make a dream come true, is to wake up and live it nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Tue, 07 Jun 2005 20:10:34 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p91,from=rss#post91https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p91,from=rss#post91> A sign posted in a car dealership read: > > If you want to get back on your feet, > > miss a car payment.nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Mon, 30 May 2005 14:26:20 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p90,from=rss#post90https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p90,from=rss#post90-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son, Johnny, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that Johnny is in there already. Johnny says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." "I have a baseball," says Johnny. "That's nice," the man says. "Want to buy it?" asks Johnny. "No, thanks." "My dad's outside," says Johnny. "OK, how much?" asks the man. "$150." "Sold," says the man. In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the lover are in the closet together. "Dark in here," begins Johnny. "Yes, it is," says the man. "I have a Wilson fielders glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks Johnny, "How much?" "$350," replies Johnny. "Highway robbery. Sold," says the man. A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your ball and glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove," says Johnny. The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" "$500," Johnny replies. "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that," says his father. "That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes Johnny sit in the confessional and closes the door. "Dark in here," begins Johnny. "Don't start that **** again, you're in my closet now," says the priest. found on http://www.cyclingforums.com/t239651-johnny.html nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Sat, 07 May 2005 15:17:21 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p89,from=rss#post89https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p89,from=rss#post89A dumb blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde. But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter. The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy." "Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter. Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..." found on http://www.lotto649.ws/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3918&perpage=15&pagenumber=3 nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Mon, 21 Mar 2005 11:30:51 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p88,from=rss#post88https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p88,from=rss#post88Thanks for the chear up. And they did have retoric about a new beginning. It is just sad how much medocure stuff gets promoted. It would be nice to see You Call That Art? get the attention that they deserve. As AC?DC bellowed it is a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. And Gillian has bellowed the highs wouldn't be so high if the lows wern't so low. Well don't want to get to serious in the joke thread I'll runboard again unless the server disapearsnondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Sat, 19 Mar 2005 04:17:15 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p87,from=rss#post87https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p87,from=rss#post87Hi Lotto, I'm sorry you are feeling down, but I would like to leave this for you, I read it often on my blue days. ***** Don't let today's disappointments cast a shadow on tomorrow's dreams ***** I hope it helps a little Jennifer nondisclosed_email@example.com (PinkBear)Fri, 18 Mar 2005 10:36:06 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p86,from=rss#post86https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p86,from=rss#post86Slept most of the day. Probably do that agian tomarrow. Kind of down on YTCA? newest anouncement Guess today is the day for Blond Jokes She must be a blonde? A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken." found on http://workathomenetwork.com/forum/index.php?showtopic=3847&st=0&#entry9098 Person posting these claimed they could because they were blond. FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: ,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:- _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-,_,.-:* SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware." `´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*: _,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:* SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman." found on http://www.forumgarden.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4125 Lotto http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/s.cgi?welcome-344 MagicZ4941 nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Fri, 18 Mar 2005 08:30:09 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p85,from=rss#post85https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p85,from=rss#post85Hello Lotto, I haven't seen you on Rany On for a few days, I do hope you are well, and everything is fine . Just More Blonde Jokes Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see "Closed for the winter,"           *************** Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.        ************************* A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. What?" sputtered the doctor. You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" No, Silly!" the blonde said. First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest" So then?" asked the doctor. Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straighten I'm not shooting myself in he mouth." "So then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make aloud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."           ***************** Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.           ***************** A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."            **************** Jennifer   nondisclosed_email@example.com (PinkBear)Fri, 18 Mar 2005 05:38:28 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p84,from=rss#post84https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p84,from=rss#post84All A Girl Wants: You've got to love this little girl. What a woman she'll make! The right advise at a young age, what all girls need ! A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals." The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar ? The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."  The teacher fainted. Jennifer nondisclosed_email@example.com (PinkBear)Sat, 12 Mar 2005 01:25:22 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p83,from=rss#post83https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p83,from=rss#post83A linguistics professor was lecturing his class. "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." found on http://com4.runboard.com/bsuicideclubnotreally.ffunandgames.t2 nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Fri, 25 Feb 2005 17:19:14 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p82,from=rss#post82https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p82,from=rss#post82My wonderfull wife E-mailed me this one Obedient Wife > > There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his > money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. > Just before he died, he said to his wife, > "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put > it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with > me." > > And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he > died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. > > Well, he died. > > He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in > black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the > ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the >wife said, > "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box > and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and > > they rolled it away. > > So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all > that money in there with your husband." > > The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my > word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket > with him." > > "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" > > "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my > account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." > _________________ Lotto http://www.flalottomagic.net/cgi-local/s.cgi?welcome-344 MagicZ4941Anondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Thu, 24 Feb 2005 00:20:56 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p81,from=rss#post81https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p81,from=rss#post81Good ol' Speedy & Dash, lol nondisclosed_email@example.com (Coirce)Fri, 03 Dec 2004 13:27:01 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p80,from=rss#post80https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p80,from=rss#post80This guys Girlfriend agrees that they are going to have s e x, So this guy is extremely happy (as you can imagine), He then thinks "I need some protection", So the guy goes to the chemist to buy a pack of condoms, The chemist asks him if its his 1st time, The guy replies "Yes" then he begins gloating about what he is going to do with his Girlfriend tonight... After about an hour of talking to the chemist the guy leaves, That night the guys Girlfriend asks him to have dinner with her family, so he says yes knowing that he is gunna get lucky afterwards, The family is religious so they ask the guy to say "Grace", He bows his head; 2 mins, 4 mins, 10 mins, He is taking a long time praying so his Girlfriend leans over to him and says "You never told me you were so religious, The guy looks back at her and says... You never told me your father was a chemist!!! Found on http://com4.runboard.com/bsmackdown5herecomesthepain.fthefunnyfarm.t42 nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Wed, 01 Dec 2004 18:47:04 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p79,from=rss#post79https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p79,from=rss#post79The really awful jokes topic from http://com4.runboard.com/bspeedkingsbrothel.ftheyellowroom.t5 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's brown and sticky? . . . . ....a STICK! --- If you've got anything to say Just try to make it clever You're not going to change the world But you could make it better -- Tony Clarkin, "An Ordinary Day"   Aug/20/2004, 11:07 Send Email to David Meadows Send PM to David Meadows David Meadows Fountain of Useless Knowledge Global user Registered: 09-2003 Posts: 485   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's yellow and swings through the jungle going "AAAAAaaaaAAAAaaAAAAAAaaAAAAAAA"? . . . . ....Marzipan of the Apes --- If you've got anything to say Just try to make it clever You're not going to change the world But you could make it better -- Tony Clarkin, "An Ordinary Day"   Aug/20/2004, 11:09 Send Email to David Meadows Send PM to David Meadows David Meadows Fountain of Useless Knowledge Global user Registered: 09-2003 Posts: 485   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What goes... black white THUMP black white THUMP black white THUMP? . . . . .....A penguin falling down stairs! --- If you've got anything to say Just try to make it clever You're not going to change the world But you could make it better -- Tony Clarkin, "An Ordinary Day"   Aug/20/2004, 11:10 Send Email to David Meadows Send PM to David Meadows David Meadows Fountain of Useless Knowledge Global user Registered: 09-2003 Posts: 485   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's red and can't turn round in a corridor? . . . . . . .....A man with a javelin through his head --- If you've got anything to say Just try to make it clever You're not going to change the world But you could make it better -- Tony Clarkin, "An Ordinary Day"   Aug/20/2004, 11:11 Send Email to David Meadows Send PM to David Meadows David Meadows Fountain of Useless Knowledge Global user Registered: 09-2003 Posts: 485   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's small and grey and has a trunk? . . . . ....A mouse going on holiday! (I think I ate far too many ice lollies when I was younger ) --- If you've got anything to say Just try to make it clever You're not going to change the world But you could make it better -- Tony Clarkin, "An Ordinary Day"   Aug/20/2004, 11:16 Send Email to David Meadows Send PM to David Meadows Speed King Master of Disguise Global user Registered: 05-2004 Location: Essex Posts: 1400   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The fact that you can remember all these daft jokes after sooooo many adult birthdays is what amazes me. ---   Aug/20/2004, 15:25 Send Email to Speed King Send PM to Speed King unchained Global user (premium) Registered: 09-2003 Location: Telford UK Posts: 443   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speed King wrote: The fact that you can remember all these daft jokes after sooooo many adult birthdays is what amazes me. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speedy, Dash is only 19, he just looks old. Bob --- in the end we will send you home Deaf - Jon Lord   Aug/20/2004, 15:31 Send Email to unchained Send PM to unchained Speed King Master of Disguise Global user Registered: 05-2004 Location: Essex Posts: 1400   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He is actually only 5 years younger than me but looks very much older. ---   Aug/20/2004, 15:35 Send Email to Speed King Send PM to Speed King unchained Global user (premium) Registered: 09-2003 Location: Telford UK Posts: 443   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Speed King wrote: He is actually only 5 years younger than me but looks very much older. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That'll be all that knowledge crammed into his head.  Bob --- in the end we will send you home Deaf - Jon Lord   Aug/20/2004, 15:38 Send Email to unchained Send PM to unchained Speed King Master of Disguise Global user Registered: 05-2004 Location: Essex Posts: 1400   Reply | Quote  Re: The really awful jokes topic -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ah Yes...should I change it to..Useless Fountain Of Knowledge? It sounds much funnier. ---   nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Thu, 25 Nov 2004 20:21:46 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p78,from=rss#post78https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p78,from=rss#post78Thanks for visiting your the first Ryze member to post. Have posted a few more plugs on Ryze since I'm in race with a fellow runboarder to get up to 25,50 and 100 members here.nondisclosed_email@example.com (LottomagicZ4941)Fri, 12 Nov 2004 18:33:36 +0000 Re: Joke of the day:)https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p77,from=rss#post77https://blifetheuniverseandeverything3.runboard.com/p77,from=rss#post77Mad-Ad Chain.... These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake. MONDAY: For sale: SK Pramanik has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 5550707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mandal who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In SK Pramanik's ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs Mandal, who lives with him after 7PM." WEDNESDAY: Notice: SK Pramanik has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale: SK Pramanik has A sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 5550707 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mandal who lives with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, SK Pramanik, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 5550707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not >been carrying on with Mrs Mandal. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit! http://www.fufa-network.ryze.comnondisclosed_email@example.com (fufaji)Tue, 26 Oct 2004 12:58:50 +0000